Mitch Hedberg saw the world through rose colored glasses, he had a unique perspective towards the world and he knew how to notice.
He saw normal stuff, normal situations for what they were and that is why he is one of the best standup comedians to have ever lived.
These are 17 Mitch Hedberg Jokes That Will Blow Your Mind!
You know that show “My Three Sons”? That’d be funny if it was called “My One Dad”.
I like escalators, because an escalator can never break; it can only become stairs. There would never be an “Escalator Temporarily Out of Order” sign. Only an “Escalator Temporarily Stairs… Sorry for the Convenience.”
I find that a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced over whether or not I have bread.
I never joined the army because “at ease” never seemed that easy to me. It seemed rather uptight, still. I do not relax by putting my arms behind my back and parting my legs slightly, that does not equal ease to me. At ease is not being in the military. I’m eased bro, cause I’m not in the military.
I was walking down the street with my friend and he said “I hear music”, as if there is any other way you can take it in. You’re not special, that’s how I receive it too. I tried to taste it but it did not work.
I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographer’s fault. Bigfoot is blurry, and that’s extra scary to me. There’s a large, out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside. Run, he’s fuzzy, get out of here.
One time, this guy handed me a picture of him, he said “Here’s a picture of me when I was younger.” Every picture is of you when you were younger. “Here’s a picture of me when I’m older.” “You son-of-a-bitch! How’d you pull that off? Lemme see that camera… What’s it look like? ”
Sometimes I wave to people I don’t know. It’s very dangerous to wave to someone you don’t know because, what if they don’t have a hand? They’ll think you’re cocky. “Look what I got motherfucker! This thing is useful. I’m gonna go pick something up!”
My hotel doesn’t have a 13th Floor because of superstition, but c’mon man… People on the 14th Floor, you know what floor you’re really on. “What room are you in?” “1401”. “No, you’re not. Jump out of window, you’ll die earlier!”.
I walked into Target, but I missed.
When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was.
I don’t have a microwave oven, but I do have a clock that occasionally cooks shit.
I just bought a 2-bedroom house, but I think I get to decide how many bedrooms there are, don’t you? “Fuck you, real estate lady! This bedroom has an oven in it! This bedroom’s got a lot of people sitting around watching TV. This bedroom’s over in that guy’s house! Sir, you have one of my bedrooms, are you aware? Don’t decorate it!”
The Kit-Kat candy bar has the name ‘Kit-Kat’ imprinted into the chocolate… That robs you of chocolate!
I like wearing necklaces, because it lets me know when I’m upside down.
I like rice. Rice is great when you’re hungry and you want 2,000 of something.
You know when it comes to racism, people say: ” I don’t care if they’re black, white, purple or green”… Ooh hold on now: Purple or Green? You gotta draw the line somewhere! To hell with purple people! – Unless they’re suffocating – then help’em.